i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
