he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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