it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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