This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
