I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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