i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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