I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
