I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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