Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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