did you get engaged???
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
