I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
