Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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