I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
