I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
