listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
