Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
