proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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