That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
