I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
