his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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