I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
