His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
