i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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