I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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