You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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