I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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