A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
