You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
