90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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