Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
