Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
