I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
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i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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