It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
