No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
