it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
