dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
