The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I cockslap morals
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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