Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
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will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
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You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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