I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
True strength comes from lack of pants
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
