Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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