Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
