I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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