She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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