My first STD was from a foam party
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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