Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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