I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
