nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
