i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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