her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
