Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
