How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
