Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
