bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dick very happy bro
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
