I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
