There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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