i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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